The Code Breaker

I saw…those who wanted nothing, achieved nothing, and lived with nothing in mind…and I thought life had to ultimately become, a pit of nothingness… a distortion of light…evil…so the sight of it left you licking scales… impurity from your sockets, gnawing at brick of un…happiness… to bleed…from your mind…then, this…it…they… happened…what? I am not exact... It could’ve been the death of my precious, loving father…not his donations…but a will to love it all for me…her…her…and her; my marriage to a husband so powerfully put together that he has no chose but…be…here…there…within…and no longer without ; the miscarriage of a baby I desperately…(BLANK)...there are no words, just feelings; emergency surgery to remove an organ…an organ…a vessel…and membrane…a member; or just the thought of God saying ‘I Love You’ as only he can… it happened in a real way and life was no longer just quilted pieces of nothingness…no…thing…ness..define it! I cannot…explain what has no words…grasp it..’s…formless body with my hands…it is too swift…I don’t know what am I to do with it... my life, this life…His Life…

Write about its success?...I think…I can…see success seeping inside warm honey success…the word of encouragement inside here…there…a general tale of wake…(in)…up…and reasons to see and believe in life…an exploration of…what can be…and…is…so good…

My mentor, one of the greatest women alive…celebrated a happy birthday…--Happy Birth...Day...too…you—but there was her cancer…her breast…my heart...days, I cried…she told, I cried…selfishly, I cried…she should’ve cried, I cried…If her, then…me…it could happen to me… a selfish me…but it could happen…I cried…we had been defeated…the gauntlet yet thrown… we (she, I , humanity) had been…had…had we…then, it…the unexplainable happened to remind…me, selfish me…she is alive…today…tomorrow…yesterday…we had broken the code…I pass it on…

Heaven/Hell

I have been reading portions of John Milton’s Paradise Lost, and battling boredom induced depression. I have been feeling ill, and my thoughts have become as complicated as my life as a teacher, a full-time graduate student, and a wife. I have begun to feel myself slipping into an unfamiliar consciousness. Breath by breath I have become someone I do not recognize. So, Milton and I began a journey to seek and find the image of me I am comfortable with calling me….

(Side note: It isn’t easy loving yourself and being unpleased with your circumstances at the same time)

Not too long after the journey began I read, “The mind is its own place, and in itself/Can make a Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven” (lines 254-255), and was stricken with a thought so simple I had no choice but to pause and ponder…A Heaven of Hell, a Hell of Heaven? …Which am I doing?
Truthfully, I haven’t been able to come to a conclusion. Depending upon the time and the day, the answer is subject to change. And it is my involuntary submission to change, necessary or unnecessary, that shocks me. I am torn between being shocked that I am shocked by myself, and being shocked that I thought I couldn’t be shocked by myself. The world of thought and boredom…leads me to believe that the mind on Earth osculates back and forth from heaven and hell regardless of its actual location.